I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
