i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
