Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
