If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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