paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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