I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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