sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
