His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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