woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
