There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
