You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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