Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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