I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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