tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You ruined the universe
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
