My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
