she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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