Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
