I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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