My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
