you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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