I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
