omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
