I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
