9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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