i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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