Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need to calm my uterus...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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