Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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