i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
