Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need to calm my uterus...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
