Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
where does the pee come out of this thing
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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