I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
