I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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