There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
