Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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