Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
