if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
