I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
