Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
