I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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