Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
