You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
