No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
