I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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