i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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