come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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