Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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