elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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