i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
