just tell him i said nine months
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
