i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
