I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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