I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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