How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
