sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
