i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
