My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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