the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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