Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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